Just recently I’ve had a few people say to me that I’m the most difficult person to understand that they have ever met. I’m not sure if that is good or bad! I guess Ive had loads of practice of putting up a defence and I’m constantly wearing a “mask” to stop people from reading me! I’m not sure why I do it, I guess I’m just a very private person! I tend to be what people want me to be just to please them and in turn I end up not being true to myself.
I have started to write a book today! It’s something that I have wanted to do for ages but I’ve never made the time to start it. I’ve only written the first page so far but I’m really excited about it and it actually reads fairly well. It’s odd though because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but if you ask anybody that “knows” me if I have ever wanted to write a book they would proberly laugh and reply with something along the lines of “steph!! Write a book? Yeah right!! She’s not like that”
I need to start being true to myself, I’m unhappy for a reason and I need to stop blaming everyone else for me being unhappy! It’s my life and if I’m not happy I need to do something to change it until I am happy. I’m constantly putting my life on hold while I wait for the next big thing to happen! I’m always looking forward to the future and not actually living in the here and now!
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Well last night I had my attuenment for Kundalini reiki and can’t I just tell. It’s been a very difficult first day! It hit me like a ton of bricks and wouldn’t let up all day! I was at work and all I wanted to do was walk away from the place and never return!! It felt very very wrong! Usually I manage to put up a defense when I’m at work and nobody can tell that I hate the place with a passion but today everytime I tried to put my defense up it felt like someone was taking it down!!
It’s been a very tiring day and after 8 hours of work without a break I now have about 2 hours of college work ahead of me! Roll on the next 3 weeks!! I really need a break now! The last couple of weeks I’ve been working 9-10 hour days without a break and I’m completly warn out now!! I could sleep for a week x x
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It could be worse but right now things are looking good!! I’ve just decided to take things for what they are!! Life is far too confusing otherwise! If I just go with the flow then it should be a lot easier! I make it very difficult for myself sometimes!
Right then! The new positive steph is back!!! I have fantastic friends and family and I’m off traveling in 3 and a half weeks!! Life couldn’t be much better!!!
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Well, shall I post another rant or not? All I seam to be doing lately is ranting about something or another!! I think it’s time that happy steph comes back!! I’ve been on an emotional rollercoster the past year or two and even more so in the past 2 weeks. I’m guessing it will get worse over the next few weeks leading up until we go so I’m pre warning everyone now lol. Oh and thanks to all my close friends and family for trying to keep me sane over the past few weeks! Sorry for being a pain 
love you all.
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Well its official… We have made it to our 2nd anniversary!! god only knows how. Someone said today that we have made it look very easy. I guess we do but it has defiantly not been the easiest of 2 years. Still if we can get through the past 2 years the next one will be a breeze. Love you lots andy x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
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Well that’s another day nearly over and it means that I’m one day closer to my trip of a lifetime! It’s odd though because the closer I get to it the more I just want it to be over and done with so that I can come back and start living! I know that sounds odd and I’m really not wishing my life away honestly but things have been really unsettled lately and after 2 years living at my parents house and living for the future I can’t wait to just finish this chapter in my life and get home from traveling, buy a house and just live the simple life for a while one day at a time and enjoying it!
I think I’m actually looking forward more to coming home from my trip and starting a new life for myself, new home, new job, hopefully a new outlook on life and I’m hoping that at some point during this trip that I will find myself and work out what my role on this earth actually is! So far in my life I’ve pretty much been told what to do, how to feel etc and I have just about had enough of it! I can’t believe I’m having to go to the other side of the world just so that I can get away from everything in order to find myself! Most people go traveling to see the world and end up “finding” themselves while they are there! For me I think it’s more that I need the time and space away from all the influences in my life right now so that I can “find myself” and if I happen to see some of the world at the same time then it’s a bonus!! I said to my hubby the other day when he was talking about all the places that we were going to that I don’t actually care where we go! All I want right now is to just disappear for a few weeks to a desert island all by myself and just take a deep breath and relax!!
Why does life have to be so complicated? Why is it that everything I try to do turns out to be so difficult? Life has a funny way of helping you out sometimes! I know I don’t really have that much cause to complain! If you look at the bigger picture my life compared to some is very very good! My god there are people on this earth that are really suffering and I do understand that and I am very thankful for everything that I have but I seam to have this constant battle with life at the moment!! What have I done that is so bad to constantly be punished!! Honestly everything I do just lately I seam to get knocked back by a ton of bricks five times over until I finally manage to break through it and come out the other side just to come up against a brick wall with something else!
On another note it’s my 2nd anniversary tomorrow! I can’t believe it’s been 2 whole years! The sad thing is though that apart from the odd holiday hubby and I have been on together I can’t actually remember the past 2 years all that well. It seams like it’s just past me by. I think I’ve spent so much of it dreaming of the future that I just switched off to my life and have just got through it the best that I could. This next year though is going to be amazing!!!! I’m not going to miss a minute of it!!!
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Well maybe not orange but it’s definatly bright!! 5 weeks today and I will be on a plane on my way to china! Woooohoooo it’s nearly here!!!!! Im soooo excited!!! Just really need the break now.
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Well things are looking up all round, After seeing the consultant the other day at the private hospital and being told that everything is ok Im starting to feel a bit less stressed out and Im looking forward to traveling now. The doc has given me 3 lots of medication to take but its worth it, Im just glad its nothing life threatening.
Its now 5 weeks till we leave and we are starting to finally get things sorted out. Most of our stuff is in storage which is the biggest thing we needed to sort out, Now its just things like getting my accounts done, sorting the tenants out, booking accommodation for first few night in china and getting our Chinese visas. We have loads of small things as well like sorting out phone contracts, car & flat insurance and the annual gas check for the rental property but were getting there slowly.
Im really excited to start moving my life on, its been 2 years of standing still and now I can finally break free.
Its like I have spent the past 2 years drowning and trying to swim to the surface. I could see the sun shining through the water and guiding me up to my freedom but something has pulled me back every time I get a little bit closer. Now Im still not at the top but I don’t feel like Im drowning anymore either. Im slowly being pulled up instead 
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Why is it all so shit?? I’m trying to be positive and happy and I’m really excited about my traveling but things keep knocking me back constantly!!!!
Today started at 7am with me breaking a glass followed by a doctors appointment that went very badly and I was referred to a consultant at the private hospital followed by my tenants calling me to say they have a gas leak at the flat followed by a very slow and boring day at work where everyone decided to come in at the last minute and made me an hour late closing up and then I had a long and tiring walk home just so that I could cook tea and burn my hand!! Now hubby has just spilt his drink!! And to top it off I’ve had one hell of a headache all day long!! 
is it bed time now?? I’ve had enough today!!
If there is anyone out there in this universe please please please make tomorrow a better day!!!
6 weeks and 3 days left till traveling! Lets just hope I’m well enough now
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Everybody’s comin’ to get me
Just say you never met me
I’m runnin’ underground with the moles
Diggin’ holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they’re snoring
But if you’re bored then you’re boring
The agony and the irony, they’re killing me, whoa!
I’m not sick, but I’m not well
And I’m so hot cause I’m in hell
I’m not sick, but I’m not well
And it’s a sin to live this well
Umm, I think I’m slowly going insane!! I did pre-warn everyone a while back that I’m not sure I will make it till October to go traveling! Give it a few more weeks and I will be in hospital rocking backwards and forwards on my rocking chair high on happy pills lol.
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