I HATE THEM!!!!
Why is it that after years of not smoking I still crave them!! The past few days all I’ve wanted is a fag! I think it’s the nice sunny weather, for some reason it makes me love the smell of smoke. I hate the smell of fags on people but I love the smell of the smoke in the air on a nice hot day!! I guess it just reminds me of the good old days when I had very few responsibilities and would spend the summer chilling out with Andy in the garden at his mum & dads.
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Seriously… What is the point??? Nothing makes sence. We all live stupidly pointless lives, I mean were all just being forced into doing things we don’t really want to do.
Are we honestly on this earth just to work, eat, sleep and reproduce?? Maybe we should just ditch all the civilised c**p and go back to basics. I hate being told what I can and can’t do all the time.
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Why why why can’t I just be happy with what I have?? Ok that came out wrong, I am REALLY very happy with everything in my life, it’s perfect. I couldn’t ask for a better husband, I have the most amazing baby boy and I love my beautiful little family to bits. I have a lovely home and I own an investment property, my husband earns enough money so I don’t have to work which means I can spend my days enjoying my son and life is generally good. The only thing which annoys me slightly is that I’m not exactly very healthy at the moment and i get a bit frustrated with having to take tablets every day for the rest of my life but it was a small price to pay to have my beautiful baby and I’m sure as time goes on and I start to feel better on my meds that I will start to get a grip and stop feeling so frustrated by it all.
Hmmm, got side tracked a bit there…
Anyway, basically what I’m trying to say is why do I always want more?? I have everything and more than a lot of people could ever dream of but I just don’t feel complete yet. I’m not sure what it is but i know there is something I should be doing and im not if that makes sence? I keep thinking i need to go travelling again, it annoys me that we all live our lives in such a confined way, I mean I love the town where I live but it tiny and insignificant compared to the rest of the world and I think I would go insane if I spent the rest of my life here. I don’t want to lead a life of confinement, I want to experience what the world has to offer but you can’t do that without money and we can’t just sell up and go (however much I want to) because at some point the money will run out and we will have to come back and jack needs to have a home to grow up in.
I do also think that maybe it’s my career that I need to look at. My older sisters managed to do want they wanted when they left school but I was manipulated into working for the family business which I hated from day 1 and I spent 10 years feeling suffocated by my family. I tried a few times to leave but I was always made to feel really bad about it and was excluded from the family. When I went travelling I was determined that it was going to be an end to it all but as soon as I got back I was once again back working for the family. Even after I had jack I was back working 1 day a week from when he was just 6 weeks old. I would have loved to of been a midwife and I’ve got all my qualifications to get me into uni but I don’t think I can fit it in now, by the time I qualify I would be 30!! Hmmm, I really don’t know what I want to do anymore.
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